No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
