Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
