Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
