I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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