one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
