just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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