you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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