Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
