hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
