Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Less talking, more tequila
Im just a social blackout drinker.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
