drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
