Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
