Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Randomize
