please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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