We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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