Pregnant stripper...not hot.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
