I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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