hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
