You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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