My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
not ubering you a puppy
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
