On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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