I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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