I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
