it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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