It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
