just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
