Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
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