I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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