it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Randomize
