remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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