As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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