I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I supernannyed him into submission
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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