Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
My vagina is officially offended.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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