I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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