She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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