Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
