It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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