just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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