we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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