I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
