my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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