you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
