I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
