In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
