I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Randomize
