dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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