Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
