do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
