i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Randomize
