I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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