Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Life without a bra equals bliss.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
