In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
