Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Randomize
